i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
