I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
