Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
