You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A+ Viking dick
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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