So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
