I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
