Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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