Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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