I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
