WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
