I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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