when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
