went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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