It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I will pee on everything he values.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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