Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
