Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
