Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
