Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
