I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
