on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
