Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ugly people sure do ruin things
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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