when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
