how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
im calling her cock vulture from now on
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
