T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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