No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
