HIV tests are more positive than that guy
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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