The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
