Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
