batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
