i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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