My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
