She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
