4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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