I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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