It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
