I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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