We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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