My room smells like vodka and shame
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
