Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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