the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
