I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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