oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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