just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
