I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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