Bisexual people are plain selfish.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
