Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
