my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
