Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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