i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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