we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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