what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
