I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
