this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
