I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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