Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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