I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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