Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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