I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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