Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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