I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
