I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
