i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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