I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
